A Consuming Experience

Want to know how to chat up people of your chosen gender successfully?

Research in Edinburgh, Scotland last year, involving speed dates of 100 single heterosexual people (who then rated their dates), revealed that, in that context at least, the secret of a successful opening chat-up line is this:
encourage them to talk about themselves in a fun, quirky way.

Best line from the top-rated man:
If you were on Stars in Their Eyes, which celebrity would you be?

Best line from the top-rated woman:
If you were a pizza topping, what would you be?

One of the least successful lines (ahem) was:
I have a PhD in computing.

So now you know, if you didn't know before.

Now tell me, which one would you be if you were a New Blogger widget... blog template... JSON feed... Greasemonkey script... Linux distro...Symbian smartphone... oh yes, see, I'm definitely getting the hang of this!

(From a fun New Scientist 9 May 2007 article on "quirkology" by Robert Wiseman, who's written a book on the subject, done a podcast for New Scientist, and produced some YouTube videos.)

UPDATE: I went to an interesting talk on internet dating and how to write the perfect profile, at the Dana Centre - see my writeup of the internet dating talk.

Labels: humour, life

I love inadvertently funny things - like some of the truncated programme names that result from my Topfield 5800 PVR cutting off the names of recorded files.

I have this image of a huge fish swimming ominously towards me, opening and closing its fishy lips all the while. You can run doggy-paddle [I stand corrected!], but you can't hide - from... the Doomsday Cod!!!

Woooooooooooooooooo. Scary.

Labels: humour

I saw someone had linked to my rant about LG taking away the ability for us consumers to transfer Java games and other Java apps from PC to the newish LG Shine KE 970 phone. (You can't even download third party Java apps like Gmail for mobile or WidSets over the air either - they've disabled that too, it's a deliberate "design concept". /rant).

Anyway, the link was on a Hong Kong forum about the Shine phone, so I hied me off to Google Language tools as my Chinese is about as good as my French (and my Spanish, and Italian, and... you get the drift). I know Google's Chinese translator is still only in beta, but I thought this translation was hilarious:

I Wendao a website http : //www.consumingexperience.c ... ingtones-m usic.html Diwan after the Department found that shine should take it into their own java game, super disappointed, dissatisfied with both the Department of me? I recite a few days I have left many months to between 7-8 boardway with Hutchison played three generators, every time I would ask 0 sales may take it into their own java game, all channels to be so, Easy loading up on the telephone to have to, I have to know the channels to the Ministry of Machine-microphone really zero awareness I have to ask again for the samsung 0-F can Well, 2003, the Department of the Ministry of lg it is really a microphone racks, subject to the Drainage Department has no problem then, the families hope I am wrong, if really not so very grateful to him Drainage to the professional 0 Matata!

If anyone can tell me more accurately what it really means, I'd be grateful to know. I get the general gist, though. The poster ain't happy about the Shine and Java. And I have a feeling "microphone racks" is no compliment either...

More seriously, I hope the Department of the Ministry of LG take note of user views like this. Else Drainage, I say!

Labels: humour

I've been nibbling Nobby's nuts recently, and you know what? It certainly beats cock on the mountaintop.

Well in fact this snack food's apparently been around for some time, but I never noticed it until I saw it in a shop the other day - real observant, me. The photo above is proof that it exists, for the sceptical. The name has got to be deliberate of course (don't believe me? see their website, and even a link to Nobby's balls!).

Actually, they tasted a bit chemical-y. But don't tell Nobby.

Labels: humour

Check out this real rejection from the UK Intellectual Property Office of a patent application for an "artificial force field generator" (screenshot below for proof!):


"The application relates to an artificial force field generator alleged to work using power derived from the human soul centre, to move objects.

The HO held that the application did not disclose the invention in a manner which was clear enough and complete enough for it to be performed by a person skilled in the art and is contrary to well established physical laws. She therefore refused the application as lacking sufficiency and not having industrial application."

See the full decision, where Deputy Director Mrs CL Davies, scrupulously (and with a completely straight face, I imagine), goes through the "industrial applicability" and "sufficiency of disclosure" aspects of the invention in accordance with the requirements of the UK Patents Act 1977! It's what I think of as "unscience". I know lots of people do believe in chakras and the like, but - to move objects??

I love it when officials let loose their sense of humour - e.g. when assessing an ownership dispute in relation to a domain name registered in the name of a cat. Must be light relief for them (and certainly us) to get stuff like that occasionally.

Labels: humour

If you like funny animations, have a look at the BBC's "New TV Animators" page.

The BBC had previously invited entries of short films from UK animators. They're paying the winning entrants for the use of their animations in a planned new comedy sketch show pilot "FAO3", which will be broadcast on TV later in 2007 ("Spring") on BBC3.

It's not quite internet TV, but you can watch the 48 short films on the shortlist free online on your computer, and even rate them - and your ratings will "influence the decisions of the judges".

I don't know when the deadline for rating the shorts is, it just says "March / April 2007 The top animations showcased online" - so if you want to see them (and some of them are very funny indeed), best get your blow in quick, and certainly before the end of April (I'm A type so I hate it when people don't spell out their exact deadlines, like Delicious for their survey...).

All you need is RealPlayer - so whether you have a PC or a Mac, you should be able to watch the films.

I don't know if you can watch it from outside the UK though - generally the BBC limits access to their online video and audio content to computers with UK IP addresses (see my post on the forthcoming BBC iPlayer.) I'd be interested to know if anyone from outside the UK can get to see these shorts?

Also the BBC have a warning note: Please note, the animations are for a BBC Three audience, so some are made for more mature viewing and will only be viewable after 10pm and before 5am.

A good way to avoid kids watching "more mature viewing". And probably encourage viewing by those who like adult comedy cartoons!

Labels: humour, media, TV

I like the incongruity of this juxtaposition:


Get yer boots here! And if you also want to pick up some ladies while you're at it, well roll on up, it's this way too... the choice is yours...

(Seen in a motorcycle accessories shop in London)

Labels: humour

Guess where you'd find the highest average number of dog owners in the UK (10% of households)?

Answer: an area of East London known as Barking.

How's that for nominative determinism (of sorts)?

BBC news story.

(More nominative determinism)

Labels: humour, nominative determinism